Posts Tagged With: humor

What to maybe try to avoid saying to someone about to have a baby…

Yesterday at church a friend approached me to apologize for a comment he’d made last week. “Wow, you’re looking longer than you are wide!” He had said, noting how incredibly pregnant I looked. His wife was mortified that he would say such a thing and was worried he’d offended me. Honestly, I hadn’t given it a second thought. Fact of the matter is, I AM pregnant, and my belly is getting rather huge. He only spoke the truth: this little baby certainly has made me longer than I am wide! So being offended hadn’t even been on my radar. My husband got a laugh out of it.

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People seem to always have something to say to a woman about to have a baby. While I’m not easily offended and have never felt ill feelings about what people have said during those nine long months, I have heard quite a few great comments during my four pregnancies that have made me laugh. In case you happen to encounter a woman carrying a sweet bundle in her tummy, it just might be wise to steer clear of these lovely comments, because I suppose you just never know how she’s going to take it when in that large and awkward state!

Wait, how many kids do you have already??

You have THAT much time left?? You poor thing!

You know what causes that, right?

“Oh, don’t you just LOVE being pregnant?? I just loved being pregnant so much.”

“Well, I wasn’t going to say anything, but now that you mention it…”
(Maybe “oh no, honey, you don’t look like a hippo in that dress!” Would be a better choice)

“I know food doesn’t sound good to you right now, but please don’t forget that the rest of us still enjoy eating.”

“Oh my goodness, are  you really THAT far along?? I had no idea you were even pregnant!” (Interpreted as, “Well, what do you know! I just thought you were gaining an awful lot of weight and letting yourself go.”)

“So…was this one a mistake (or surprise)??”

“No thanks, I’m still SO full from dinner! But if YOU are really hungry, you go ahead and eat that five scoops of fudgey triple-swirl peanut butter ice cream.”

“Let me tell you MY delivery horror story (or my friend’s, or a stranger’s I heard, or one I read about, or…”

And my very favorite…

“Honestly, how hard can it really be? People have been having babies for thousands of years.”

20141221_112921Anything I missed, all you mamas and soon-to-be mamas out there?

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Categories: Motherhood, Pregnancy | Tags: , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

To All of My Expectant Friends and Family: Babies (and those 9 months in your tummy) are the BEST!!

The past few weeks I have been bombarded with news of dear friends and family expecting. Text messages, phone calls, facebook pictures, and in-person news have me reeling with joy with the prospect of new babies coming into this world (is there anything in this life better than that kind of news?? I think not!), all going to be born to simply AMAZING people that will make fantastic parents. Even writing this makes my heart skip beats with happiness. Having a baby, whether it is your first or fifth, is a wondrous miracle.

I’ve been thinking about those nine months leading up to that one nerve-wracking, hard, exhausting, emotionally draining, remarkable, marvellous, phenomenal, stupendous, life-altering day and what it meant for me each time. If you’ve been there before, feel free to add any that I’ve forgot. If this is your first time, hold on tight. Here’s a little bit of what to expect when you’re expecting.

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1. Everyone, including strangers, will glance down at your tummy mid conversation. Try not to judge. You most likely did it too.

2. Everyone, including strangers, will touch your belly. When you become pregnant apparently your belly no longer becomes a part of you and an invisible “Please touch!” sign suddenly appears.

3. Nothing will sound good to eat. Or everything will sound good to eat. Or everything and nothing at the same time.

4. People will whisper behind your back, wondering if that little pouch you’re growing is more than the result of a few too many brownies. They will smile, knowingly, but not dare say a word just in case it is simply a result of brownies.

5. You will cry over EVERYTHING. Everything, I’m not even kidding.

6. You will be drawn to the baby clothes and want to buy the entire infant section. And you will cry, because they are all so darn cute.

7. Your husband will, at some point (unless he is much wiser a man than most) ever-so-innocently comment on the incredible weight transformation you have gone through. You will probably take it personally and you will cry.

8. Any organizational skills or memory of where you put your keys or phone will totally disappear. You’ve traded this little, amazing human being for a bird brain. It’s a fact.

9. You might want to consider making business cards to pass out or a large sign to carry around with answers to these questions:

  • Oh! When are you due?
  • Is it a girl or a boy?
  • Are you hoping for one or the other?
  • Are you excited?
  • Are you getting nervous?
  • How have you been feeling?

10. Prepare yourself now to hear all of the horrendous, nightmarish stories of other’s birth experiences. Try not to get scared out of your mind, too grossed out, and try not to judge. You just might be doing that too one day. Few can resist the excitement of telling their unique and very personal story of their sweet baby coming into the world.

11. When that baby is days away from making that début, multiple people will say, “Oh! You’re still here, are you?” And you just might cry because you are still here.

12. You will forever remember that meal that you ate after your child had exhaustingly been brought into the world. And those chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes will be the BEST chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes you have ever, ever tasted. Your dear husband will sneak away to get subway because, let’s face it, the deliciousness of the chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes are just a figment of your delusional, just-spent-the-last-9-months-growing-and-the-last-24-hours-delivering-a-human-being mind.

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Dear friends and family carrying those precious little ones for the months ahead and awaiting their arrival, enjoy it! What an incredibly exciting time. You are in my thoughts and my prayers!

Categories: children, Family, Pregnancy | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Confessions

Things I told myself I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever do to my kids before I became a mom…

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All photos on this page courtesy of katiejanephotos.blogspot.com (thank you, Katie! I really like ’em, even the goofy ones!)

1. Wipe their snotty nose with my BARE hand. Gross!!

I know, I know. Disgusting. I wash my hands immediately after, and it’s only out of desperation and lack of tissues. It’s ok. You don’t have to shake my hand.

2. Allow them to eat a carrot off the floor.

The healthy cancels out any bad germs, right??

3. Lick my thumb and rub it on their cheek to remove a smudge.

Darn. I feel like that obnoxious aunt in the movies.

4. Say “Do you need to go potty?” It’s bathroom. Bathroom, for Pete’s sake!

Yes! One I’ve managed to keep my word on! Sorry friends, it’s nothing personal. I just can’t get myself to refer to the toilet in toddler terms.

5. Pick a booger for them.

The sink is right there, and no tissues are in sight. I’m desperate and out of options. I certainly can’t let them pick it themselves and eat it!

6. Drink from a water bottle after them (you know the one, it’s swimming with floaties of heaven only knows what!).

Did I really just admit to that?

7. Cry while reading a children’s book. It’s written for kids, why would I get all emotional?

The Little Engine that Could, The Poky Little Puppy, You Are Special, Disney’s Planes, The Napping House… When you become a mom you just cry over everything. Right?

8. Say, “Oh, they just grow up so fast!” Isn’t there anything else that can be said to fill in that awkward silence?

But they do grow up SO FAST!

9. Devour parenting books like there’s no tomorrow (cause I would be way too proud to admit I’m flying by the seat of my pants half the time).

I admit, I fly by the seat of my pants half the time.

10. Wear dorky “mom clothes” just because they’re WAY more comfortable than anything in style.

Doggonit, they really ARE way more comfortable than anything in style.

11. Become my child’s garbage disposal when they can’t finish their Mac and cheese.

And let it go to waste??

12. Let them spit something into my hand.

If they weren’t my own blood, this would never happen. Ever.

…And then I became a Mom.

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By the way, my sister-in-law takes really great pictures and took family photos for us this weekend. She wrote a blog post and put some of the awesome-in-a-not-so-wall-worthy-way pictures in it…the better pictures are to come, but her post made my husband and me almost choke on our toothpaste laughing. Here it is!

Katie Jane Photos–No Boy at All

Categories: children, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

The Lesser Known Reasons You Should Have Children

A few days ago I published Murphy’s Laws of Motherhood. As I finished listing all of the ironies, I realized anyone contemplating motherhood might read that and say, “EEK! Kids? No thank you. That sounds like a nightmare!” If you’ve read my blog before, you know that I am a FIRM believer in the blessings of parenthood, despite all the madness and craziness.

In  case you don’t know:

The Bedtime Battle
The Green-eyed Monster
Observations of a Mother
Dreams
Common Sense Life Lessons I Hope My Sons Will Learn
The “Real” Job

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Being a mother has been the most amazing, miraculous, wonderful adventure of my life, and they could spill fifty billion jugs of orange juice on my newly mopped floor and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. ANYTHING! So I thought before I scare anyone from the wonderful (albeit exhausting) life of motherhood, here are some reasons to have kids that you just might not have considered.

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Pest Control

“Mom, come check out this spider! It’s HUGE!!!! It’s literally as big as my hand. You’ve got to see…Oh, never mind. N just smooshed it with his foot. No, he doesn’t have shoes or socks on. Why do you ask?”

Your own personal Jiminee Cricket

“Auntie Chelsi, you said STUPID again! Stupid is a bad word. You really, really shouldn’t say it.”

Anti splurge helper

“Why do you need a new hat, Mom? Your other one looks really good on you! I like your other one better. Waaay better. You don’t need a new one.”

Er…Splurging helper

“Mom, can we please get the good kind of cereal? We have been soooo good and helpful. You haven’t got this kind in forever. It’s YOUR favorite too, remember?? It’s ok. You can get it just this once.”

Honest opinion giver

“No, I don’t like that dress. It looks kinda funny. Mommy? Are you gonna have a baby again? Cause that dress kinda makes you look like you are. That’d be so cool!!! If you are, can I have a baby sister this time?”

Help to keep life in perspective

“Mom, you can clean the bathrooms later. Come build a lego city with us.”

Make you feel super-cool even in your incredible dorkyness.

“You should see my mom. She can JUGGLE! She’s soooo good!”

“Wow, Mom! Do that dance again! I didn’t know you knew the Penguin Polka! Can you teach it to us?”

An opportunity to really hone your skills

“Mommy, will you please make me a paper airplane? Yeah, I know you’ve already made me six this morning, but this time I want it to be smaller and faster. It’s ok, it’s a science experiment!

Appreciation for the little things in life

(Me) “Hey, guys! Look out your window! Quick! Cows! Did you see em?”

A reason to get out of bed every morning

“Moooom! N (age one) is in my bunk bed again!”

Better Health

(Me) “Hmm. If I snitch a cookie, they’ll run in and want one too. Apple it is.”

Humility

“Mom! M’s going to the bathroom on that tree by the playground!”

A better understanding of your parents

(Me) “It is so past your bedtime! You need to get in bed right now!” (in my mind) “Wow, did I really just say that? I sounded just like my mom!”

A renewed sense of adventure

“Mmmm. Pickle, peanut butter, and honey sandwich. You really should try this, Mom!”

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And here are a few more if you were hoping for more serious reasons to consider when contemplating children.

Loving someone more than life itself

That rare and beautiful moment when you walk in their room, hear that steady, sleepy breathing, the silence, and see their perfect little faces, eyelashes brushing against their cheeks. Then you think to yourself, “They are mine! How on earth did I get so incredibly lucky?”

Witnessing miracles every single day

Every little accomplishment, every tiny discovery will leave you in awe.

Their unwavering faith as a reminder of the courage you need to face life’s most difficult challenges

“Mommy? Why are you crying? It’s ok. We’ll see her again. Remember, Mommy? Families are forever!”

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Categories: Motherhood, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Murphy’s Laws of Motherhood

Motherhood comes with all sorts of ironies. Here are a few of ours we’ve experienced in the past couple weeks. And please, please share yours with me so I don’t feel so completely and utterly alone in these not-sure-whether-to-laugh-or-cry moments!

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  1. The night you stay up later than you know you should will most certainly be followed by the earliest morning your children could possibly muster, putting all living roosters to shame.
  2. After a good fifteen minutes of playing perfectly calm and quiet together, you think to yourself, “Ok, they’re contained, I’ll make that incredibly important phone call now.” The second the receptionist comes on the line will be the very moment the amazing fifteen minutes ends and all chaos ensues, including (but not limited to) screaming, yelling, whining, pouting, breaking things, and all manner of loudness and neediness.
  3. The day you plan to do deep cleaning will be the day your child decides to pull out all of his/her toys and dump them on the floor the one second you leave them alone in their room.
  4. If you need them to take a nap at 11:30, they will decide to take one at 8am.
  5. The rare need to really scold your child will be the exact moment your neighbor surprises you with a knock on the door (and, of course, the door will be open leaving your reprimand completely exposed for her to see).
  6. With all the papers scattered across the counter, your child will choose the only extremely important one to scribble on.
  7. If you buy your child a nice pair of shoes, he/she will go through a massive growth spurt a day later, and the shoes will no longer fit.
  8. Not two minutes after you get your child one of those free balloons at the grocery store to keep them quiet and entertained for your trip, it will pop (or float to the ceiling), leaving your child in a pathetic heap of blubbering mess at the bottom of the cart for the entire frozen foods section and checkout. All onlookers will undoubtedly look at you like you are the worst parent on the face of the planet.
  9. The first time ever forgetting to pack extra clothes in the diaper bag will be the first explosive diaper your child has experienced in a year. You will also be somewhere you cannot leave immediately and you will be miles and miles from home and the closest store.
  10. If you need to use the bathroom, they WILL come.
  11. If you spend hours fixing a delicious meal, your child will ask for hot dogs and macaroni. Or after refusing to try a single bite, will eat the play dough they were given to play with after dinner.
  12. If your child finds a worm, it will eventually end up in their mouth. Or a grasshopper, or a handful of mud, or sand, or any manner of luckiness.

IMG_0682IMG_0605Just in case you’re feeling completely and utterly discouraged after reading these facts, stay tuned for…

The Lesser Known Reasons You Should Have Children

Coming soon! (because I’m really not that big of a pessimist, I promise!)

Categories: children, humor, Motherhood, parenthood | Tags: , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

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